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Dick Measuring

Manhood Measuring Contest: Kan’s Life in Prison

I am tired of the ‘virtuous Winnie’ and ‘Virgin Mary’ classmates asking me why I laugh curtly. I say it here and I will not repeat, I laugh curtly because I have seen it all. I have seen a prison’s officer peep into my ass to ensure I don’t have a microphone in it. I have seen a female Managing Director shake my manhood to confirm whether I am fit to fill the position in her company, literal or otherwise.Ooh, you Mary and Winnie, I have stood in a whorehouse Read More

KIlling Thendu

Let’s Kill Thendu in The Woods; A Letter From Kan

You see, from where I come from, we also use stones to kill strangers. As the death penalty has evolved since the times of Thatcher and Damiano, it only works for cowards. This is not one of the IEBC demonstration blogs, or any other shitty stuff you have been reading from Jubilated and Corded bloggers, this is a story about a man who I killed using a stone; set to trigger his diarrhea. The said man died peacefully in a bush, having lost his power to control his bowels. It is just another lame tale Read More

The call

The Call

 

I sat on my balcony and watched the May month melt away in the ghosts of the night. I drew deeper on the half-burnt cigar dangling from my mouth and the warmth of the smoke ignited my ogles. For almost a month, I had doused my thirst on my snuffle. How I wanted to call my mother and ask her why everything I touch surely dies? Read More

Crying

My Last Murder: A Letter From Kan

On the justice day, I will be matching chest first with a cross embedded on my forehead. A cross that I will make from my molten Ego, long after I am gone and my writing has immortalized me. On my right hand, as I crisscross the darkest corners of purgatory, I will be dragging a heavy axe on my immortal arm ready to strike. It will be the same axe he used to slay the Kings of Greenland after he discovered their coast many years before his stupidity came haunting us all. I will be looking for Thorfinn, the famous Viking Read More

My Ex

A Date With My Ex

I gave her a zealous smirk when I walked into my office, where she had unwearyingly waited for ten minutes. I had invited her there looking for some assistance in killing Lyne, or maybe a reassurance I was going crazy. If there is anyone who knows me, it is her. She lay in my bed for almost a year and when out vocation prospects didn’t agree, we had to part ways. But on this auspicious day, when my heart was foggy with rejection, rebuffs, and humiliation Read More

Language

Was it Sex or Love Making?

There is nothing more amusing than bumping into an angry but lovely reader. A reader who is very livid with you yet she thinks you are so marvelous. It is a writer’s moment. On Monday, I met with Alice (Not real Name), she is from Langata and runs a beauty shop in Westlands. Alice is angry because I say dick instead of manhood. She thinks that in writing, we should call orgasm the night cream and sex must be love making. Alice is one of those girls who can’t have sex with the lights on. That is how Read More

Let's Smoke a Joint

Let’s Smoke a Joint II

With Betty Kyalo showing her seductive thighs ubiquitously, Prezzo running like a guy with a little pink head to scratch them and Njoki Chege still aggressively looking for an orgasm, I think it is time I told ‘Let’s Smoke a Joint Part II”. In 1881, Mark Twain used the word orgasm to illustrate mental peace. And I define spiritual peace as the ability to let fat women be driven in blue Subarus as they attend Kiuna’s church and later Read More

Share a Cock With Team Mafisi

Just For The Laughs- Team Mafisi

This is not a story to help you figure things out, or even solve your bachelorhood issues. This is just a crippled fairy-tale. Okay. Today, in my Team MafisiThika-Road Branch Whatsapp group, a guy complained about a relationship that lasted for a weekend. They hooked up on a Friday and broke up on Sunday evening. The sex was good and the girl can cook. But she had a wig. There is no was it could have worked. Read More